only a word

My favourite word in Kiswahili is pole (pronounced something like poh-leh). There is no direct translation to English or Finnish. It was translated somewhere as “I am sorry for your misfortune”. But it’s more than that – to me it’s an expression of sympathy and empathy. You can say it when someone sneezes or drops something, if they’re tired after a long trip or if someone close to them has passed away.

I wish there was a word like pole in every language! It's only a word, but it can mean so much and it isn't pretentious. It’s difficult to think of what to say instead of “Pole!” to someone who doesn't know what it means. Too often I end up saying nothing.

“Lean on me when you’re not strong

And I’ll be you friend, I’ll help you carry on

For it won’t be long

‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on”

                             (Lean on me, Bill Withers)

bilingual

“I'm just a soul who's intentions are good

Oh Lord, please, don't let me be misunderstood.”

                             (Don’t let me be misunderstood, The Animals)

You know that feeling when you press the send button and cringe because you notice the message you just sent sounds wrong? Or when you walk away from a conversation and come up with a million better answers than the ones you just gave? Or when it takes you half an hour to write an email that would normally take you less than 5 minutes?

I get that a lot when I speak or write Finnish. I feel I'm more witty and natural when I talk in English, I tell better jokes in English. It also makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and sometimes nervous if I have to talk Finnish instead of English in situations where there are people I don’t know well. It gets easier the longer I live in Finland, but I still struggle to find all the right words in the right language almost on a daily basis.

I talked about this with my brother the other day.  We talk to each other mostly in English, and both feel English is our “emotional language” - the language that’s easier to use when you want to express something important. We suddenly realised: we’re bilingual! It seems so obvious now, but that explains so much and makes things so much easier.

Normally I feel I have to apologise for sounding silly or saying the wrong word, & then I go through a long explanation of how I've lived abroad and haven’t really lived in Finland so much & that’s why I say things that might not sound right. It's a lot of explaining to do.

From now on I will just say “I’m bilingual”.

last night i dreamt of home

 “Let me go home

I’m just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right”

                             (Home, Michael Bublé)

Last night I dreamt of Tanzania. I started off in some old European city where I suddenly came across a nyama choma stall. Nyama choma is Tanzanian barbeque, grilled meat. I exchanged a few words with the owners and they were surprised I could talk Kiswahili.

(The alarm went off at this point, but I turned it off and went back to my dream.)

As I fell asleep again I found myself in a white Land Cruiser Hardtop, the kind we always had when I was little. I was in the back seat and to my left I could see a mountain range. It was covered in snow, and the hills were a dark misty blue. It was Kilimanjaro. I took out my camera and started taking pictures of it. There were clouds drifting over the mountain top at a fast pace, so I had to be quick to take a picture of the snowy top as the sun hit it and made the snow glow a brilliant white.

All of a sudden I was in a different city, on the other side of the country. It was the same neighbourhood where I lived for many years and I knew which junction would take me to my old home. It all looked different though, there were so many new buildings and even a mall that was luxuriously decorated and had international brands. I remember thinking “I gotta come back to shop here!” I was in a hurry though; I wanted to see my old home. I wondered through the maze of new houses, shops and cafes that had appeared out of nowhere. Some were rugged street cafes, some very high class restaurants, everything seemed to be freshly built and not quite finished yet. Eventually the houses ended and I reached fields of maize. The earth was a pale orange-red colour, everything was covered in a fine dust and I enjoyed seeing far across the fields. I didn’t manage to reach home before I woke up, but it didn’t matter. Everything I saw was familiar and new at the same time and I was just so excited to be there.

When I woke up, I lay on the bed going through the dream over and over. I felt I’d been home, even if it was just a dream.

call me maybe?

 “Hey I just met you

And this is crazy
But here's my number
So call me maybe”

               (Call me maybe, Carly Rae Jepsen)

When you first meet a person they are a stranger to you. You meet them a few times and they become an acquaintance and perhaps if you meet them enough they become a friend.

There are different ways of making friends. When moving to a new city or going to uni it’s almost like speed dating. You meet tons of people so you have to be quick; you find out if you have similar interest, change contact details and arrange something for the next day. Or you invite everyone in the room to a party you’re having this weekend. You also lose touch with them very quickly if you don’t see them enough or if they don’t make an effort to see you soon enough. This is what I’ve come across in the international circles; everyone is new and might only be here for a year or two so you’ve got to make a quick dash at making friends as soon as possible.

When I moved to Finland this technique didn’t apply anymore. Since I was studying a Masters degree, most people were working already, almost everyone was settled, had a home and a circle of friends they might’ve had for years. Same thing when I started working. It’s not easy to infiltrate a network. I have to meet a person several times in different social events before I feel comfortable enough to ask if they want to meet up for coffee. (Of course this is how I feel, I doubt anyone would be offended if I suggested it sooner.)

Both ways have their pros and cons. The speedy way creates a large network very quickly, but it might falter very fast and the friendships might not be as meaningful. The infiltration method takes a long time, but it’s very rewarding since the friendships built slowly are stronger in the end.

networking

I have a network. In fact it’s huge. I have so many friends living in so many countries, I can’t keep track. My family alone lives on 4 different continents.

I’ve got this network because I’ve moved so much. I once tried counting how many times I’ve moved and lost count after 21. I’ve probably changed addresses about 25-30 times. The longest I’ve lived in one city in one go is 5 years, and those were the first 5 years of my life. So I’ve had plenty of opportunities to meet new people, countless friends made along the way.

Still, I do not have a network where I am right now. I’ve commuted to another city to work for over a year now which doesn’t make it easier to form a network close to home. And I miss that. I miss calling someone and asking if they wanna meet up for coffee this afternoon. I’ve got to make plans to see my family or friends and that always involves a ticket of some sort, in most cases an airplane ticket.

I am lucky that two of my best friends at least live in the same country as I do. We’ve learnt to adapt our friendship to suit long-distance, even if we haven’t seen each other in months it’s no problem because we carry on where we left off. And what would I do without the internet and my iPhone? I am so grateful to have Skype, Facebook, whatsapp, FaceTime…

Maybe I have to stay put for longer than a year or two to finally have a group of people who I am comfortable with, who can come over unannounced, pop by just to say hi or meet regularly to have coffee. But I am also very happy to know that I can pick almost any country in the world, and there might just be someone there I know.

forever in ink

“I got it tattooed on my sleeve forever in ink,

with guess whose name?”

                             (Holy Grail, Jay Z feat. Justin Timberlake)

For my birthday last year I got a tattoo. It’s on my right side, under my arm on my ribs. I didn’t want it to be a cliché; so many people get a tattoo these days. That’s why I chose to put it in a place where it was visible only if I wanted it to be. This tattoo is for me, it’s a reminder etched on my skin.

It was autumn when I got it. I had that familiar anxiety I get every time the summer is over – I instinctively start looking for a way out, an escape route that’ll take me far away from the long cold winter. I’ve always thought I am my best in the summer. I am more relaxed, spontaneous and more active. I have less to complain about.

       I want this tattoo to remind me of that summer me.

And it’s not just the weather. I realised I’d lived in Finland for 3 years (4 years now!). That’s a long time to stay in one place for me. I had planned to stay in Finland for only 2 years till I finished my degree. I got “stuck”, in a good way. I found a job and a boyfriend, more than enough reason to stay. I just hope I remember that the world is still out there, I don’t want to be stuck just because it’s easy to stay put.

       I need this tattoo to remind me that the world is still my oyster.

I am Made in Kilimanjaro. As long as I am reminded of it, I have a bit of perspective and I don’t get lost.

introduction

This is the first time I am writing a blog so an explanation and a disclaimer are more than necessary!

I am what they call a Third Culture Kid (TCK). I have lived abroad most of my childhood, and even though my passport says I’m Finnish, I look Finnish, speak Finnish & even live in Finland at the moment, I feel I am far for a “normal” Finnish person. I am certainly not Tanzanian even though I lived there for 13 years between 0-18yrs. I am not British though I studied there and consider English to be my second mother tongue. This is a good thing, I love being international and I am proud of it. However, it does bring up some issues. This is what this blog is all about. By writing down issues or questions I face, I hope to clarify for myself how to deal with complications and how to make the most of my colourful background.

I always thought I’d be an “adult” in my late twenties. Turns out I still have no clue what that means. I am biased, I get defensive, I am probably more prejudiced than I’d like to be. So please don’t get offended, these are my opinions and even they vary from day to day! Feel free to comment, as long as you explain yourself I am happy to hear other points of view and even happier to hear if someone else has come across similar situations and thoughts.

One more thing I have to mention: I am obsessed with music. You’ll notice! I listen to music everywhere I go and I often have the same song on repeat for days, even weeks.  I take song lyrics and apply them very much to my day to day life. For every situation there is a song that fits.